Monday, September 29, 2008

A very special L'Shana Tova to Ryan Braun



--"it means a lot to me, and the world to the city."

There is nothing in life better than being truly happy.

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

The Gays Have Succeeded!

In making what could be, the most gay t-shirt in the history of the world.

I thought gay people were supposed to be all "artsy" and shit? What gives?

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Philip Roth's New Book

Best cover ever.

Reviews are so-so. But who cares.

Monday, September 15, 2008

America: Officially Fucked

1. Lehman Brothers is done. The Government, Barclays, and Bank Of America all told them to eat a dick.
2. Merril Lynch, sold to Bank Of America for a crackhead price of $50 billion
3. AIG, will collapose in three days if the government doesn't give them $40 billion.
4. McCain: "The fundamentals of our economy are strong.”

We have all been Bear-Stearns(ed). Hard

Thursday, September 11, 2008

Some Real Comedy To Last Through The Weekend

Roasting, a dangerous new form of comedy that started two sundays ago, cannot be contained. It has quickly swept the greater Milwaukee area and it appears no one is safe. It is no longer possible to go anywhere without hearing about someone that couldn't make it there and why or exactly what that person is choosing to do instead. I haven't been this happy with my friends in a long, long time,

In honor of these events, I searched the Internet for Gilbert Gottfried's bit at the recent Bob Saget roast. I found it, but I also found a plethora of Gottfried that is worth a good look. In addition to his bit at the Saget roast, I've included him at the Hugh Hefner roast, the clip is everything he did with the exception of the Aristocrats joke. There's a whole movie about that one damn joke, I don't think I need to include. But, Ihis five minutes before that is well worth watching. His repetition of Ice-T's raping the white women joke is a comic masterpiece.

But, the real gem is something I had no idea even existed. I guess, and my guess is based only on finding these clips on youtube, Gottfried in the early 90's developed some sort of fascination with Andrew Dice Clay. There are two clips of him doing Dice Clay on Howard Stern and one of him doing a few minutes of him at a show. Here's the thing though, the stand-up clip is Gottfried making fun of Dice Clay's stand up, but the clips of him on Howard Stern is Gottfried just sitting there, as Andre Dice Clay.

If you are only going to watch a few, I suggest Bob Saget, and Dice Clay on Howard Stern #2 because in addition to Gilbert DIce Clay, there is a gay comedian who Gilbert Clay has a few things to say about. Also, his comic business with his cigarette is the subject of the groundbreaking 1999 book, "When Prop Comedy Becomes Comic Business: Gilbert Gottfried, Imitation, and the Future Of Comic Business" Also, clip one is slow.

part 2

part 3

bob saget

hugh hefner

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

Make Fun Of Me Now

For those of you who did not attend Madison, this is Phish, reunited for the first time since 2004, playing at some dude-they-know's wedding. Between this, and a few comments the band has made, it looks like it's time to start buying snacks for an extended road trip across the country to various large open spaces.

And for those of you who did not go to Big Cypress Indian Reservation in the middle of Southern Flordia, this is what it looked like to be too young to know any better and celebrate the millennium by seeing Phish play three nights in a row, with the finale being on Dec. 31st, when they played from an hour before sunset to sunrise on Jan 1st, 2000. The third photo was taken shortly into this current millennium, I introduced myself to this guy near us because I wanted to remember and document the first time I met a guy in the new millennium. I made a big deal about this, and it's safe to say the word millennium has never been used more in a twenty-five minute time span, and in the middle of all this, some dumb hippy girl had to be get all self-righteous and said something to the effect of, "why is it such a big deal, it's just another day. Who cares what day it says it is on the calender. No day is any more important than any other day just because people want you to think so." Well, imagine my surprise when I read the paper the other day and found out she's going to jail for putting her baby in a microwave. Real fucking shocker there. Also, dude who I met, I don't remember his name. I think I was still scared from the huge bunny that was prowling the grounds to commit his name to memory.

Hey, don't be disappointed. I never said I was cool.

Robert Purvis: Unemployed

Taken directly from his I need a job myspace bulletin:

"Any leads​?​ Had some shit fall throu​gh and I could​ sure use a coupl​e sawbu​cks in the ol knick​ers if you catch​ my drift​.​"
How could anyone not hire this man?

2 Egg McMuffins for $3: Best Deal Ever

Usually these things come out to being two dollars plus a piece. Now you can get two of them for three dollars, the world is looking to be a better place. You can also, according to the advertisement get two sausage egg and cheese sandwiches, but we all know what the correct choice is here. Or you can mix and match, which really isn't that big of a deal because you would only be mixing and matching one breakfast sandwich with another breakfast sandwich, so that doesn't really qualify as mixing and matching. But you do get to have two things and not have to make a decision. All in all, there's a reason to be out the door before 10:30. Ladies, if you are lucky enough to wake up next to me, I may just take you out to get one of these. And by one of these, I mean one of these, not a pair of sandwiches, cause we don't want anyone gaining weight.

Did you know the McMuffin was created by renegade McDonald's food scientist Herb Peterson who went behind the copration's back to create his masterpiece? Apparently, he really liked Eggs Benedict and tried to create something kinda like it. And did you know that when the big dogs at McDonalds found out there was some long-haired, free-spirited executive out there in California just inventing sandwiches out of thin air, they went nuts and threatened to fire him. But then they all made nice and started a breakfast buisness and made billions of dollars and billions of people happy.

Herb Peterson: Breakfast's Obama

Monday, September 8, 2008

But This Is Amazing

MONDAY, SEPT. 8, 2008, 12:21 P.M.
Police impostor robs book store

A man posing as a Greendale police officer robbed the Borders Book Store near Southridge at 5250 S. 76th St., about 10:30 a.m. today.
According to police:

The man identified himself as a police officer and claimed he was investigating shortages in bank bag deposits, and needed to mark the bags. When the manager reached to take the bags back, the suspect pulled out a weapon and told the manager to remain in the back office until he left. The suspect fled with an undetermined amount of money.

The suspect is described as white, in his 30s, between 5 feet 5 inches tall and 5 feet 8 inches tall, with a medium build, short brown hair and a bandage on the right side of his face.
At the time of the robbery, he was wearing a black baseball cap with "Police" across the front in white letters, sunglasses, a dark-colored, zip-up sweater with a patch on the shoulder and star-shaped badge on the left front, khaki pants, and a police belt with a holster and weapon, and handcuffs.
Police are still reviewing surveillance tapes, and are working with the Hales Corners and Brookfield police departments, which may have similar cases, said Police Chief Robert Dams.

Amazing. How many cops have you seen wearing black baseball hats with "Police" written on it? This lady that handed over the money, they should put her in the microwave too.

This Is Horrible

Life in prison for Ohio mom in microwave-baby case

DAYTON, Ohio (AP) -- A woman was sentenced Monday to life in prison without the chance for parole for burning her baby daughter to death in a microwave after fighting with her boyfriend. Common Pleas Judge Mary Wiseman lashed out at 28-year-old China Arnold, who opted to watch her sentencing from a side room on a monitor.

"No adjectives exist to adequately describe this heinous atrocity," Wiseman said. "This act is shocking and utterly abhorrent for a civilized society."

The rest is here.

As far as I'm concerned, they should put her in the microwave.

I Missed Out On Something Fun

Every one of your friends in every photo of Labor Day At Sunny's House looks like they could not be having a better time? Life sucks when you miss the fun.

I think the term in Farsi is "my future zanam."

The back of this guy's head looks like my head so when I see this photo I think I was there but can't remember.

video to come soon

Friday, September 5, 2008

Anti-Semite Watch: #1

They are out there, lurking, ready to strike with an offhand remark or actual physical violence. We must be prepared. There are those who claim we Jews make deal big a deal of this anti-semitism thing, that there is no such thing, and we need to grow up. Let me tell you, the world is still a scary place for a Jew.

Location: Comet

Anti-Semite: Some dude Andy Menchal introduced me to named Nick who no doubt was from "up-north" and was shocked at the diversity of the "big city." (Important: Not Dr. Nick! There is no need for such a man to have his reputation squandered.)

Description of event:
I was talking to this Nick character. And completely out of the blue, he asked me to sing him a couple lines from Matchmaker, Matchmaker. Which is a song from Fiddler On The Roof, a musical about the Jews. The comment, was unfunny, unprovoked, and uncalled for.
What's more, during our conversation, I never once mentioned my religion. Never! He decided to assume I was a Jew. Perhaps he overheard my long and loud tirade against diabetes that ended only moments earlier. Perhaps he heard me tell my friend not to drink from a dirty glass because there is a small chance of contracting diabetes, and you don't want diabetes because it's a terrible affliction. Perhaps he heard me refer the scourge of diabetes as being "more dangerous than dehydration." (Which by the way, is something I would never say if I were sober. As we all know the dangers of dehydration. It's absolutely the worst thing that can happen to you because once you are dehydrated, you cannot consume liquids fast enough to save your life. So you know you are going to die, and you drink water to stop it, but you can't do anything.)
Aside from that, this Nick was being very presumptuous.

Thursday, September 4, 2008

Lou Reed vs Kevin Kline

Right now Dave and a Lou Reed concert film are on tv at the same time. This has forced the question, Lou Reed vs Kevin Kline,
who is better at what they do?

I think we can all agree Kevin Kline is a better man in the gives more to charity sense, and Lou Reed is cooler because we are supposed to think he's a cool guy. And, I'm sure we all own more Lou Reed cds than Kevin Kline dvds. But, who is better at this entertainment shit?

Arguments for Lou Reed:
Velvet Underground
Coney Island Baby
The Big Chill

Arguments for Kevin Kline
A Fish Called Wanda
Grand Canyone
A whole bunch of Lou Reed albums and the way he looks in that movie Blue In The Face

Also, it's worth noting Kevin Kline in Dave played the President-I'd-want-to-vote-for-the-most-if-movie-presidents-were-real-presidents. But Lou Reed wrote a song called "I wanna be black."

Milwaukee's (but raised in LA and Seattle*) own Faythe Levine

This couldn't be any cooler.

The New York Times came to town and blessed the rest of the nation with the tale of Faythe Levine, master of all things creative. In a two page article, (9 if you access it on a mobile device) Penelope Green tells us all about her house (airy), her tattoos (lots) her artwork (everywhere), her band (she plays the saw), her movie (already the first eight minutes on youtube have received over 90,000 hits), her book (which Princeton Architectural Press has already pressed a record setting number of 20,000 copies), and her boyfriend (a fag).

All in all, I haven't been this happy since the Times profiled Rebecca Peltz. Which is a must read article, for real.

Faythe, Merlin and I are kvelling.

*page 2, paragraph 7

Wednesday, September 3, 2008


My blog has been revolutionized. Now all three of you who read this shit can leave comments and the comments pop up on the right hand side so the other two people know you left a comment and will be forced to comment on your comment and then you will have to comment back. Comments are now officially encouraged.

Who will be the first one to comment in such a manner that it is displayed on the right hand side? Will it be you?

Like most important things in life, I owe thanks to Daniel Arnold for teaching me how to set this up. Here is my heartfelt tribute to our relationship:

Listen/Downlad: Comment (If All Men Are Truly Brothers) -- Charles Wright

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

Milwaukee: Officially Better Than L.A.

For all you non-Milwaukeeans:

When we do it, we do it big. Harley's 105th bash went off without a hitch. Over half a million people came into town, rode around on their bikes, got all types of hammered, saw an already legendary concert, and celebrated the other thing that made Milwaukee famous. A half a million, or around that, swelled our city to it's outer limits, but it all went off without a hitch. Whoever planed this should be McCain's new running mate.

I could go on and on and on about the weekend, but this quote from some dude from upstate New York who was on his way back says it all:

"I am driving away a little melancholy because it’s a reminder that mile by mile I am getting farther away from Milwaukee..."


Here's that quote again, it's such an important, monumental quote in the history of my quest to let the world know what Milwaukee is all about that I don't want anyone hurting their neck looking back up at it.

"I am driving away a little melancholy because it’s a reminder that mile by mile I am getting farther away from Milwaukee..."

So, let's break it down, word by word and examine this statement.
"I'm driving away"= I'm leaving, leaving the party and the festivities and headed back to where I'm from.
"a little melancholy"= sad as fuck
"because it's a reminder"=everything I see along the path home makes me think....
"that mile by mile I am getting farther away from Milwaukee"= that Milwaukee is the best place on earth and every step I take and every inch I ride my bike away from Milwaukee is illogical, because I like it there so much more than wherever I'm from and I don't know why I can't stay there. Perhaps it's too good and I'm just not ready for such a thing. If I were to live out my fantasy what would there be to dream about?

Also, I knew this already, but the organizers of the festival learned the following lesson:

Bruce Springsteen: Officially better than Elton John

His show has already, already, been marked down as one of the great concerts in Milwaukee concert history. The man played for three hours and fifty minutes and enjoyed as much as anyone in the audience.


Monday, September 1, 2008


LA: Officially Better Than New York

For those of you that don't know the history:

About six months ago, an ordinance was spearheaded by L.A. district one supervisor Gloria Molina, severely restricting taco trucks in unincorporated ares of Los Angeles. Under the law, if trucks remained parked in one location for over an hour the owners faced fines of up to $1,000 and a possible six-month jail term. To make matters worse, over 60% of all of Los Angeles County is unincorporated, not to mention nearly all of East LA, so the ordinance banned taco trucks in all but name.

This is not to say I went without tacos. Let's not get too carried away with ourselves here. I ate plenty. But, it was not so easy Living in an incorporated area, trucks became few and far between, and one night, at Taco Zone on Alvarado and Glendale, m friend Spencer set down his horchata (no homo) on the ledge of the truck, when it pulled away and sped down the block. He was horrified.

Yesterday, a LA county supreme court justice struck down the ban, calling the language and description of how quickly a vendor could return to a previously held spot "vague" and therefore "unconstitutional."

Unlike the self-proclaimed "center of the world," when the gentrification lobby strikes in LA, people fight back. They don't just sit idly by and let their mayor transform their city into a horribly clean and boring place. They do not let their local governments enforce quality of life crimes to such an extent where every single hot dog and knish vendor require licenses and books can no longer be sold on the sidewalk of Greenwich Village. They do not permit their city to be stripped of its character and soul.

And to those who gaze at LA from a distance and see little else but smog, sprawl, and self-absorption, it might be time to give LA another chance, or more likely, a first chance, as LA has an uncanny ability to be hated on by people who have never even set foot there. Let's just remember for all the supposed "fakeness" of Los Angelenos, they stand up for what they believe in and fight to keep their own vision of their city in tact. And they manage to do this without being "pushy" or "in your face" or whatever the hell else New Yorkers constantly try and remind people that they are. So here's a question, to all the "pushy" New Yorkers, what was the last thing New Yorkers actually pushed for?

I'll expect a list.

Los Angeles has always struck me as one of the most aesthetically democratic of cities. The beaches are public, half the museums are free and culinary glory is sold at every street corner for almost nothing.