Thursday, March 11, 2010

10 punchlines

Old Jews Telling Jokes aka The Web Site Where Middle Aged Jews Tell Moderately Funny Jokes That Any Jew Has A Different Version Of Before just cut together a video of the top ten jokes of 2009. Not being a huge visitor to the site, I assumed they only posted a new joke every month, thus making their top ten a top ten out of twelve and the voting process not so tough. Anyway, ever the good blogger, I watched them all and recorded the punchline to each joke, so you, my loyal audience won't have to sit through it all.

Also, I think in most cases, the punchlines in a row are far superior to the jokes.
And how fun it is to see the punchline and imagine what on earth the joke is about. I think in most cases it's very obvious.

And without further delay:

1. I'm having trouble opening the jar!
2. What, you're gonna come empty handed?
3. Remember a couple years ago, you ran for president of the temple, and you were 15 votes shy?
4. Cause you're a schmuck!
5. There's no fuck in broccoli!
-that's what I told you!
6. Your Honor, she also stole a can of peas. (this one is KILLA)
7. He's full of shit, he never did any of those things.
8. I can save your wife, but the Rabbi, he's a goner.
9. Was it before the Dropkin fart or after?
10. And then for some reason he took out his lunch, so I took out mine.

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

13 Years

The east coast overdoser

Making loot knockin boots on the regular
Pass the microphone I'm the perfect competitor
Jewels and all that
Your clothes is all that
Chump stepping to me is where you took your fall at

Monday, March 8, 2010

Jackie Chain - Mack A Bitch

Jackie flashes a piece around the 53 second mark.

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

McDonald's New Sweet Chili Sauce VS. Shutter Island

What is better? Let's discuss.

Shutter Island
I've been seeing previews for Shutter Island for almost a year now, and nearly every preview is completely different. The powers that be clearly had a tough time figuring out not only how to market the film, but what type of film to market. Is it a horror film, a mystery by the guy who wrote Mystic River, a psychological thriller? Who knows? But I had to wait a year to find out.

None. I passed a McDonald's with a huge banner proclaiming the new sauce's official arrival. Shocking. Nearly every fast food item, especially ones at McDonald's are released with a huge fanfair. Commercials, parades, film tie-ins, they flood us with the release date to get our tongues salivating and our minds imagining the various tingling sensations these new culinary inventions will create. And yet, to create a new sauce, and just ship it to stores with little advance warning to the public, shocking behavior.
And even more shocking when one considers we are talking about a sauce here, a condiment. McDonald's may come up with new sandwiches every now and again, but the arrival of a new sauce is a once in a lifetime event, at least once in a decade.* Our whole lives McDonald's always offered hot mustard, BBQ, and sweet and sour, and now all of a sudden, there is a new sauce for nuggets and they just casually put it out there. I don't understand it. Unless of course, they want the sauce to be able to speak for itself.

Winner: Sweet Chili Sauce

Shutter Island: About two and half hours
Sweet Chili Sauce: Enough for five nuggets.

Winner: Sweet Chili Sauce (by far)

First Impressions:
Shutter Island: When Leo pulls up in the boat, it seemed a little overdone with the music. I thought the score was brilliant, but seriously, so loud and dramatic to show the opening of a gate? Interesting choice.
Sweet Chili Sauce: Thicker than I expected. Sweeter than I thought. Perhaps this is too similar to the sweet and sour sauce, which I refuse to use.

Winner: Shutter Island

Second Impressions:
Shutter Island: Umm, wait, when is this going to...what is happening? Why am I bored? Why are you trying to hard?
Sweet Chili Sauce: This is a little bit spicier than I first thought, even though I have a high tolerance for spice and by no means am saying I can't handle anything 3,000 times this spicy, I'm still a little impressed at how the heat lingers.

Winner: Sweet Chili Sauce

Shutter Island: Ben Kingsley basically explains the plot of the entire film to Leo and the audience.
Sweet Chili Sauce: Good enough to use generously with each nugget while still doing quantitative analysis to keep enough ready for each nugget. I left about half a nugget's worth (pause) in the container.

Winner: Sweet Chili Sauce

Presence of Reality
Shutter Island: Throughout the film, it is very hard to determine what is really happening, what is going on in the mind, and what is just lunacy.
Sweet Chili Sauce: Actually exists while you consume it.

Winner: Sweet Chili Sauce

Regional Orgins:
Shutter Island: Boston
Sweet Chili Sauce: Asia (the entire continent)

Winner: Umm, I'm no racist: Sweet Chili Sauce

McDonald's new Sweet Chili Sauce doesn't last three hours, is easy to understand, is slightly spicy and comes from Asia, it is clearly better than Shutter Island. I don't think we've ever had such a blowout here at