Thursday, October 30, 2008

Taco Bell's Triple Steak Burrito: A Review

First, a few words on the frequency of new menu items at taco bell:

I've always been amazed by the how many and how often taco bell releases a new item. After all, they have arguably the smallest amount of ingredients to work with--meat, tortilla, cheese, beans--but they continually find countless new ways to arrange these building blocks into new modern marvels.

Needless to say, whenever Taco Bell introduces a new menu item, it's always cause for celebration. It's something to talk about on the street, at the water cooler, at the barbershop, and on the information superhighway. In the past decade, there have been a few new items that have truly blown me away. Six years ago, Taco Bell introduced the Steak and Cheese Quesadilla, I admit, I was skeptical at first. After all, the commercials claimed that "Steak Enthusiast Magazine" called the Quesadilla a "tasty triumph of culinary engineering." Needless to say, claiming a magazine named "Steak Enthusiast Magazine" is one thing, but to declare this made up publication endorsed your quesadilla as a "tasty triumph of culinary engineering" takes an extraordinary amount of chutzpah. Such an extraordinary amount, I had to go down to the nearest taco bell and try the shit out for myself. And what do you know, it was a tasty triumph of culinary engineering. In fact, I really think it's the last truly great new fast-food item.

But I digress.

Triple Steak Burrito Review

First things first, what does triple steak mean? Three kinds of steak? Steak only comes from one type of animal, the steak. You can't have a bird steak, or a pig steak, so calling it triple steak is absurd. Unless they mean three types of cuts, so like, the burrito combines a few slices of filet minion, New York strip, and t-bone. That would be absurd and surely, if that were the case, this burrito would be on the cover of the Washington Post and everyone in America The Great would be dropping their stimulus checks on these shits in full. So the only other option is that it has three times the amount of steak. But three times the amount of steak of what? The single steak burrito? So the name in itself is a lie. And I don't like lies or the liars that tell them. Minus one.

The steak itself, not so good. But granted, there is three times the normal amount, so that's got to count for something. Minus one for quality, plus one for quantity, so zero.

The steak has some type of sauce around it, which for some reason, stays on the steak and does not mix into the other ingredients that surround the steak. Don't ask how I know when I take a bite of steak and rice that the sauce is only flavoring the steak and not the rice even though I'm chewing them both, my taste buds are just sophisticated like that. I'm guessing the sauce not penetrating the other parts of the burrito (no homo) is a conscious choice, and the science that goes into creating a sauce that stops bewilders me. So plus one for the sauce and plus one for the science of the sauce.

Not enough cheese, but then again, there really never is. Zero

Too much tortilla, for real, they rolled the steak up like five times. Minus one.

The commercial for this item is one of the most annoying commercials of all time in which three lame dudes are out for "steak night" which I'm guessing is in between poker night and bowling night and one of them outsmarts the other guys who are being emasculated by the small portion of steak on their plate by showing them he is a triple steak kinda guy (big no homo (no homo?)) and then shows him his burrito to prove it and one of his very emasculated friends cries to the other claiming that inside, we all are triple steak kind of guys. Minus twenty-five. Minus an additional ten for showing it throughout the entire World Series.

So, not counting the points from the commercial the triple steak burrito earns negative one point. Not worth getting and certainly not worth getting in favor of the standard seven layer.

Final Review:
Triple Steak Burrito: More Like A Single Shit Burrito

Ween - "Where'd the Motherfuckin' Cheese Go At?" So worth downloading.

Flying Burrito Brothers - Hot Burrtio #1 Worth it, but not nearly as much as Ween.

Thursday, October 23, 2008

Daring Saxophone Solos #1*

*Now without grammatical errors.

A few days ago Annie and I were driving around and Black Cow, my 17th favorite song of all time, by one of the best-bands-I-get-made-fun-of-for-listening-to was on. Towards the end, we noticed the saxophone solo and most jokingly referred to it as daring.

But the question lingered, what is a daring saxophone solo? Is there such a thing? And how can a good solo, which is what Tom Scott most defiantly performs on Black Cow become daring? Which Tom Scott's solo is most defiantly not. And yes, all you have to do is type, "who plays the saxophone solo on Black Cow" in google and it will tell you, Tom Scott. Who by the way, according to wikipedia, also wrote the theme song to Starsky and Hutch, and played with my other favorite-band-I-get-made-fun-of-listening-too.

Anyway, here is the most daring saxophone solo of all time. Supposedly, he was going to solo for a minute or so, and saw a woman dancing on a table and just decided to keep on playing and playing and playing till he realized he a riot was about to break out. Supposedly, the crowd was so done up by his solo they started pushing and shoving to the likes of which Newport, Rhode Island had never seen. Supposedly, the promoter told Duke Ellington he had to go back and play a slow song to calm the people down so they wouldn't throw rocks through the rich folk's windows. Supposedly, this is all jazz lore.

Paul Gonsalves epic solo on Duke Ellington's - Diminuendo In Blue And Crescendo In Blue

Perhaps I'll start a series showcasing daring solos of different instruments. No Richard Davis

Thursday, October 16, 2008


pon·tif·i·cat·ed, pon·tif·i·cat·ing, pon·tif·i·cates

1. To express opinions or judgments in a dogmatic way.
2. To administer the office of a pontiff.

Talent or skill? Discuss.

And as a bonus, Richard Lewis sells Daniel Arnold's favorite fifth-grade era fruit drink/joke punchline. Now he's very serious, lives in Brooklyn, dresses like my girlfriend, and blogs about Hot Tuna. (Third person no homo?)

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Such an endorsement!

For the non-Yiddish speakers I have enclosed the translation:
I am asking everyone in United States to choose to vote for Barack Obama for President. Some say he may not have such experience, but I think he has enough of it. You have a little experience, that's experience enough. But I will tell you, a little experience is better than a little of the diabetes, and we all know his opponent, this Jonathan McCain has a great deal of the diabetes. A president with diabetes, not a good thing. Nu, what if he needs a shot of insulin bu the has to push the button at the same time to fire the missile? You cannot take injection and push the button at the same time, no, one of those two things must wait. And if he waits to push button, the enemies missiles could destroy us and kill him before he even has a chance to push it, and that would not be a good thing. And what if he chooses to push button first and then he takes injection? This could be bad too, it could be he never had to push the button but only thought he might have to do it because there was not enough sugar in his brain! This is why a president with the diabetes is not a good thing for Americans. What if our president takes a trip to a country and their king gives our president a little bite to eat and the president can not eat it because of the sugar level in the food? Well, the other country would be very angry and begin a war with us and our president would have lots of stress in his body and would have to take another injection. But what if this war had already gone so far that by the time he needed the injection he already had to push the button? That's why when it comes to my life and the Presidents, I don't take chances with the diabetes and I vote for Barrack Obama.

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

Bailout Blues

My interest in the bailout has waned a bit in the last two days with Brewers and all, but soon, win or loose, baseball will be over and our economy along with it. Congress still has not passed the new and improved bailout plan, and while still not perfect, it is even more necessary to preserve our nation's economy and keep America The Great from a disastorous implosion.

To those who still think we are spending hard earned taxpayer money to bailout rich Wall Street brokers that sold us up the river, I strongly encourage you to read this op-ed piece from the Wall Street Journal. it's very easy to follow and explains exactly what is at stake, it's not their jobs and their money, it's ours. I don't know why Americans at large fail to grasp this point and keep calling and emailing their congressmen about how our government is going to give away their money to these rich stock brokers. It's amazingly off base and simplistic.

But I think that feeling is chosen because it's an easy and emotional and immediate response. There's no need to really get scared about what could happen if you blind yourself with anger over the figure of $700 billion. Let's take a step back and think about the consequence. I've also heard others argue our economy needs a good purge and this might just be the shock our system needs to rid itself of all the...and this is where everyone making this argument stutters. They want to say rid our "economy of all the bad things that are part of our economy" but they know how stupid that sounds and don't know the right word to put in. This makes about as much sense as viewing bulimia as an acceptable and realistic way to rid ones body of "the bad things that are in your body."

So here's the deal, I've made a mix of songs about money, not having any money, trying to make money, the evils of money, what happens when people have too much money, and the joy of having a lot of money. Go here to download it and then go here and look up how to contact your local congressman, and then call or email him or her and tell them to bail us out.

Bailout Blues
1. It's money that I love--Randy Newman
could have the greatest lyrics of all time and that means it has better lyrics than a lot of other randy newman songs, and that means I'm making a claim here.
2. Stacks of Money - Eagles of Death Metal
3. Dollar Bill - Smoothe Da Hustla
In this song, the listener is asked to think about what the world would be like without the dollar bill. And I think it would be alot like what would happen if there was no bailout.
4. Where My Money (I Need That) - Officer Rick Ross
Will we all be singing this one when we can't find our money?
5. Funky Dollar Bill - Funkadelic
6. Money (That's What I Want) - Etta James
7. Hard Times - JJ Cale
Get used to it.
8. All The Money - Bobby Charles
9. Get My Money Bitch - PImp C
Is Pimp C telling his ho to get his money, or is this a metaphor in which the pimp is AIG and is screaming at his ho, which is the federal government?
10. Money Talks - JJ Cale
Supposedly, money can talk and we need to listen.
11. Lawyers, Guns, And Money - Warren Zevon
12. I Ain't Got No Home - Bob Dylan
13. Ya'll Ain't Making No Money - Webbie
Who knew an economic Nostradamus resides in Baton Rouge Louisiana. This song is three years old but Webbe is right in predicting that we all are in fact not making any money. he rubs in his prediction by telling us how much money he is making and what said money will purchase.
14. Bitch, I'm Broke - Cody Chesnutt
Cody wrote this ditty as an answer to Webbie's joint. He is taking the position of one of the people Webbie has called out who makes very little money.
15. Money and the Power - Scarface
16. If You Got the Money, I've Got the Time - Willie Nelson
17. Almighty Dollar - Devin The Dude
It really ain't what it used to be.
18. It's About The Dollar Bill - Johnny "Guitar" Watson
19. Dollaz + Sense - DJ Quik
20. Unemployment - JJ Cale
Why does JJ Cale have so many songs relevant to our current economic woes?
21. Franklin D. Roosevelt, A Poor Man's Friend
22. Survival of the Fittest - Mobb Deep
"I'm trapped, in between two worlds, tryin to get dough You know when the dough get low the jewels go"