Tuesday, June 30, 2009

The best new blog in America

Monday, June 29, 2009

Change of opinion #1: The beach/ocean

Apparently, this was published in an earlier, mistake-ridden version. Anyway, I'VE NEVER BEEN A BIG

fan of the beach for five reasons:

1. Too sandy
2. Too salty
3. There are fish in the water
4. There are sharks in the water
5. There are other things in the water that can touch your feet.

But you can't spend your whole life with your toes touching the water, sometimes, you have to just jump in!

And this Saturday, in Malibu, I jumped in and it was so cold. But I swam in the water for so long that my body began to adjust to the temperature of the water and I soon became comfortable. And when you are comfortable with the temperature of the water, you can swim like a fish!

I used my friend's boogie board and "caught a wave" as they say, and man, it was an exhilarating experience. One "breaker" was so big I "boogied" all the way to shore. It was crazy. I was on the board and I wiped my eyes, opened them, and I was still moving! Imagine opening up your eyes, and you are gliding as one with the water. Just one wave, and already I want to know all this Pacific Ocean has to offer. After that there was a mild disagreement between Sam and I as to whether or not the fin in the water I saw was a shark. We decided to play it safe, but there was still more fun to be had. To sit on the beach and read, or converse with your friends can be just as enjoyable as swimming in the swimming water. After that, we went and drank a few beers and ate a delicious dinner of fish, oysters, and other marvelous creatures this Ocean has to offer.

Thursday, June 25, 2009

How did I miss this?

It's a cat wearing a blue schmatte and playing the keyboards!!!!! How is this not funny?

Helen Hunt, The Keyboard Cat, and the most dangerous drug of the 1980's (pcp) yields untold laughs.

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

New Best Song Ever: Combination Pizza Hut and Taco Bell

This song is about a combination Pizza Hut And Taco Bell.

Here's the remix by this guy Wallpaper that may be better, but it's hard to beat the best song ever.

Das Racist -- Combination Pizza Hut And Taco Bell Remix by Wallpaper

Monday, June 22, 2009

Phish (No Hippy)

I like them. I'm not afraid to say it very quietly.
The adventures of Nick, his lady, and I follow in photos.

Right now we're all just hoping to hear Tweezer. No homo.

"Hey Nick, did you catch the show last night?"
"Yeah, I prefered the second set. You know they started You Enjoy Myself but never finished it."
"Don't worry buddy, they'll finish it tonight, they do that kinda stuff."
"I hope so, I love the vocal jam at the end. No hippy."
"Man this water cooler is great, who brought it here?"
"Well, perhaps this is the work of Guelah Papyrus."

"No way, the 12 minute version they played at the UIC Pavillion in 2000, hands down the best version of Meat. Pause."
"Oh you were at that show? Trey killed it during My Soul."

"Bummer they didn't play Tweezer man, you want some of my Country Time Lemonade? This can of Lemonade really shows people the type of guy I am, it defines me, kinda like your awesome Nikes dude."

"Whoa fireworks. They better note this in the Pharmer's Almanac."

Halley's Comet

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

An Open Letter To Magicians

Dear Magicians,

Recently, I saw a magic trick that blew my mind. I won't get into particulars, but it involved props, ashes in my closed hand, trickery, surprise and a very audible "how did you do that!" Basically, he lit a cigarette and the ashes appeared in my hand. My closed hand. I opened my hand and the ashes were there, inside my fist, and I don't remember for sure, but I think they were still a little warm.

Now this was quite a trick. (Magicians, I know you prefer the term effect, but in the interest of everyone else who may be reading this, I'm just gonna stick to layman's terms.) While I can't do any magic, I'd like to think of myself as a bit of a fan, a connoisseur if you will. I can't do any tricks, but I can recognize a good one. And the one I saw was not a learn it overnight on the internet kind of trick. It was the type of trick it takes a while to master. The type of trick that takes a master to master. A trick you need to practice over and over to get right. But what's more, it's the type of trick that would never be the first and only trick in a magician's repertoire. If you can make warm ashes appear in a closed fist (pause) then you have a whole stable of tricks and you've known these tricks for quite some time.

And therein lays the problem. I love magic. I thought that if there was anyone who my friends knew loved magic, it was me. I picture my friends at a David Copperfield show sitting in amazement and the whole time thinking, "man, Adam should be here, he would really love this more than us because he is the one that we know who really loves magic more than other people we know." When I confronted my friend, who I've known for ten plus years, as to why he never showed me magic before, he made two points:

1) I didn't know you liked magic.
2) You never asked.

Believe it or not, I find the first point more absurd. I had a magician at my twenty-fourth birthday party, and even if my friend wasn't there (but certainly invited) it's been a few years and it's a relatively well known thing that I had a magician perform at my birthday party. Furthermore, said magician who I had at my birthday party (who now is making billions of dollars selling tricks in Vegas, selling em, he doesn't even have to do them!) got his start doing magic opening up for the band Cake. Why is this significant? Only because the first thing me and my magician friend who didn't know I liked magic did ever was go see Cake play in Chicago. Please, let's not dwell on that point though, it will only get us off track.

The fact that I never asked to see magic is just lunacy. I put that on par with not telling a phenomenal story because your friend "never asked." I really don't want to get into this never asked business. I want to address both of these points head on by solving them so there can never be any more arguments.

So to any of my undercover magician friends, let's make the following things clear:

1) I love magic. I will shout it from the highest mountaintops. Magic is amazing, it keeps me guessing because I don't know what's gonna happen nor how it will happen. That's only one of the myriad reasons why I love magic.

I hope this puts any confusion to rest.


Monday, June 15, 2009

When a thing you should know is so clear to see that you can't see what the eye can clearly see

and three other things in this month's XXL worth talking about:

Sometimes things are so clear yet "one can't see what is so clear for the eye to clearly see" or however Josh said that quote back in 2005. Once, Annie was telling me how cleaver it is that Arby's is called Arby's because you know, roast beef, rb, Arby's...I had never thought of that before, and yeah, I felt stupid.
The latest thing so clear to the eye that the eye can't see what is so clearly able to see is that OJ Da Juiceman turns out to be a very, very, funny guy. How could I not know this? How could a guy smart enough to name himself OJ Da Juiceman not be a funny guy? I don't know, I guess I just never had heard his comedy, but I should have put it all together. A man with that name, a rapper whose made a trademark ad-lib out of the word "aye," a man who shouts said trademark ad-lib with a insanely high pitch frequency and does so frequently, how could this guy not be the funniest dude ever?

In the new XXL, there's a four way (pause) interview between OJ, Gucci Mane, Soulja Boy, and Shawty Lo. Everything Oj says is nothing short of comic genius. When XXL asks them all how they came to work together and are they friends etc, he responds with the following comedy:

"Atlanta cats, we keep it two, 100. We don't play soccer--save that for the folks over in Brazil, know what I'm talking about? But it's a good look we came together to make the hip-hop better than what it is because it ain't nothing without us, ya feel mae? Juiceman said that. All we got is that. The music me and Gooch make, you know its just a good vibe. The music that me and Shawty make, it's a stupid vibe, and the music that me and Soulja make, it's a wonderful vibe. And if anybody say different, I wish they would, you feel me? And this here's Atlanta, ya feel me? We swagged up all the way to the max. Swag 200 for the 100. For the fool that ain't keeping it 100, you know we 100 anyway. So I say 200--100 for us and for the folks that ain't 100. Da Juiceman aye!"

Let's take a look. The first, obvious bit of hilarity is the soccer thing. I have absolutely no idea what it means, and I think he knows how absurd and funny it is, as he asks us if we know what he's talking about to further the ridiculousness of it all. In effect, he's saying the most absurd thing of all time, and then asking if you understand it, thus rubbing the absurdity and comedy of it all directly into our faces. And if we want to go even deeper into this soccer line, let's note that in Atlanta, they don't play soccer, which is far more humours than the actual playing of soccer. Don't believe me, right now say out loud, "I'm from Atalanta, we play soccer." Now say "I'm from Atlanta, we don't play soccer." See, I'm right about this. So much more side-splitting.
To continue with the rest of quote we move into the different vibes section. I don't think it warrants a comment. Next up, the difference between keeping it 100 and 200 and the explanation of why they keep it 200, which is spectacular. He's swagging to 200 for all of us who are unable to keep it 100, and that's love right there. For real. No homo. Finally, and my favorite part of the whole thing, is after the single greatest soliloquy of 2009, he ends it by shouting his name, and barking aye. In the issue, in parenthesis, it is written "(everyone laughs.)" And this is good to know, not only do we find OJ funny, but even those capable of being and keeping it 200 find him hilarious.
Moving on.
Later in the interview, OJ responds to a rather tough question about the nature of the recession and it's effects on working artists. His response:
Re: The recession "I don't even know what that is! (group laughter) I say floatation man, We floatin' over here like a muthafucka in water!"
Gucci: What the hell is that?
OJ: Inflation! Inflation!
(more laughter)

And it's good to know OJ's not the only in the group. Gucci's got jokes too. XXL get's into a few questions about Atlanta rap artists and their various beefs with one another.

XXL: Do you think Atlanta rap can come together as a united community?
Gucci: I was beefing with my jewelry man.
XXL: You're beefing with your jewelry man?
Gucci: Yeah, he's stupid as hell.
XXL: Okay
Gucci: He keep making stupid diamonds. I told him don't be doing it, but he keep doing it. He retarded man.
XXL: Your jewelry man keeps making stupid diamonds?
Gucci: Yeah, I wanna go to war about that shit.
XXL changes the subject.
Does it get any funnier? Not unless OJ Da Juiceman is saying it.

2) XXL does a small feature on the new Kindle, the book ipod thing. And out of everyone related to hip-hop, out of everyone and anyone there is that raps or does something related to rap music that they could get to review the Kindle, who do they choose, but Tony Yayo. One thing they point out about Yayo though, "he reads while traveling." One thing Yayo thinks about the Kindle is it should come in different colors, "...that'd be cool. A girl might want a pink one, a guy might want a black one or whatever." Also, in all four categories, design, price, usability, and better than a book, he gives it a 5/5. Amazing.

3) Cam'ron, perhaps knowing OJ is close to taking his crown as the funniest guy in hip-hop at the moment has a great quote in the issue as well. "It's like when the space shuttle took off, it ain't land on Plymouth Rock. So therefore, you can't have carpet. I'm Jason Bourne right now, I'm just tryin' to remember everything that's going on." Yep!

Make Da Trap Say Aye -- Gucci feat OJ Da Juiceman and Cam'ron

Shirt Off -- Gucci feat OJ Da Juiceman

What a sham(e)

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Rodney Winfield

It started with Josh getting drunk, seeing a commercial for Def Comedy Jam VHS tapes, and doing what any good man should, and laying down his credit card and ordering em all. Then I came over one night with the intention of "just to watch the one Bernie Mac routine with his face painted on his pants" and I wound up leaving with three of the tapes, which I still have. But it really started much earlier, in middle school and high school at ungodly hours of the night when HBO would rerun episodes in loop and you were sleeping over at a friends house and watching as many episodes hoping they would play one more.

It's hard to call a classic routine classic, when looking back, every third routine was a classic and is imprinted in our collective memory, (And by our collective memory I mean the memories of Andy Josh and I, and the Andy, Josh, and I's all over various North Shore's of their respective cities) but this one, man, this one is a stone-cold classic. I used to have this tape in my room junior year of college, and everyone, any of my friends, my roommates friends, people my roommates were studying with, I'd force them into my room to watch this routine. When we had parties, oy, all I could do all night is usher people in and out so they could see the clip.

Anyway, sadly, I just read on the Internet, Rodney Winfield passed away in February at 76. I hope his death will bring him more recognition and will unearth more material to show the world his genius.

Saturday, June 6, 2009

You're boy back in the building

Jay-Z D.O.A. (Death of the Auto-Tune)

"Get back to rap you T-Paining too much!"

Friday, June 5, 2009

A lively debate

Is taste more important than source, is the word "organic" more important than the food itself, is quality food prohibitively expensive, do we fetishize ingredients and their origins instead of focusing on taste?

Thursday, June 4, 2009

Catch Up#1: Gucci Mane

I'm back in America the Great. There still are many Rwanda stories and Norse tales to post for everyone's reading pleasure. That's all gonna have to go on the back burner for a bit, as there's quite a bit of hip-hop related catching up to do.

Gucci Mane - Writing on the Wall (the above cover does not correspond to the songs or mixtape discussed in this post, but I needed a Gucci photo, and why not just use the best)

I'm not gonna waste my time compressing and posting the full mixtape, but I've selected three songs for your downloading pleasure.

1. Hurry
This song is special for two reasons:
a) it features the best version of Gucci's trademark repetitive "Gucci" chant. I'm not counting, but I think he yells "Gucci Gucci Gucci Gucci Gucci Gucci Gucci Gucci Gucci" about 14 times.

b) This song serves as our introduction to our host, DJ Holiday. He starts off by yelling out his name in numerous tones, then after 45 seconds of the song, he stops the song to yell his name some more, ask how his light is looking on him, ponder as to whether or not this is what the top feels like, then starts the song again, and don't worry, if you weren't ready for the song to start again, he blasts the airhorns (pause) a few times to let you know.

This guy quickly turns out to be more annoying than DJ Drama and DJ Khalid combined, which would make this mixtape immediately unlisten-to-able if it weren't such an impressive feat.

"#1 emergency, Gucci Mane get currency, somebody call an ambulance I think my flow been burglary" (sic)

2. Game
A nostalgic look back at Gucci's early life, at school, at home, and in the trap.

3. First Day Out
A trip through Gucci's first day out in the free world.
"I'm starting off my day with a blunt of purp/no pancakes just a cup of syrup."

Gucci Mane - Three songs off Writing on the Wall

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Lil Wayne: Back on some 07 shit

There once was time when Weezy was known more for releasing mind-blowing music, not half-assed music at a mind-blowing pace. After a while, there was too much music, Wayne had done too many drugs, he released too many "rock" songs, had been arrested too many times, had done (one) too many Katie Couric interviews, there was worry as to whether Weezy had outpaced himself, if his addiction to drugs and recording had permanently affected his creativity, if quality would ever be more important than quality, if there was ever going to be quality again or if the flood of lower mediocre songs permanently damaged wherever his brilliance originates.

Enough of this writing, it's time to listen to Fix My Hat, a new(ish) Weezy joint that finds our protagonist rapping at a level which could rival most of his 07 output.

Also, this song features the greatest use of "pause" I've heard so far.

Fix My Hat - Lil' Wayne

"Tear drop tunes got you bitches boo hooing
weezy f. baby ga-ga goo-gooing"