Thursday, October 30, 2008

Taco Bell's Triple Steak Burrito: A Review

First, a few words on the frequency of new menu items at taco bell:

I've always been amazed by the how many and how often taco bell releases a new item. After all, they have arguably the smallest amount of ingredients to work with--meat, tortilla, cheese, beans--but they continually find countless new ways to arrange these building blocks into new modern marvels.

Needless to say, whenever Taco Bell introduces a new menu item, it's always cause for celebration. It's something to talk about on the street, at the water cooler, at the barbershop, and on the information superhighway. In the past decade, there have been a few new items that have truly blown me away. Six years ago, Taco Bell introduced the Steak and Cheese Quesadilla, I admit, I was skeptical at first. After all, the commercials claimed that "Steak Enthusiast Magazine" called the Quesadilla a "tasty triumph of culinary engineering." Needless to say, claiming a magazine named "Steak Enthusiast Magazine" is one thing, but to declare this made up publication endorsed your quesadilla as a "tasty triumph of culinary engineering" takes an extraordinary amount of chutzpah. Such an extraordinary amount, I had to go down to the nearest taco bell and try the shit out for myself. And what do you know, it was a tasty triumph of culinary engineering. In fact, I really think it's the last truly great new fast-food item.

But I digress.

Triple Steak Burrito Review

First things first, what does triple steak mean? Three kinds of steak? Steak only comes from one type of animal, the steak. You can't have a bird steak, or a pig steak, so calling it triple steak is absurd. Unless they mean three types of cuts, so like, the burrito combines a few slices of filet minion, New York strip, and t-bone. That would be absurd and surely, if that were the case, this burrito would be on the cover of the Washington Post and everyone in America The Great would be dropping their stimulus checks on these shits in full. So the only other option is that it has three times the amount of steak. But three times the amount of steak of what? The single steak burrito? So the name in itself is a lie. And I don't like lies or the liars that tell them. Minus one.

The steak itself, not so good. But granted, there is three times the normal amount, so that's got to count for something. Minus one for quality, plus one for quantity, so zero.

The steak has some type of sauce around it, which for some reason, stays on the steak and does not mix into the other ingredients that surround the steak. Don't ask how I know when I take a bite of steak and rice that the sauce is only flavoring the steak and not the rice even though I'm chewing them both, my taste buds are just sophisticated like that. I'm guessing the sauce not penetrating the other parts of the burrito (no homo) is a conscious choice, and the science that goes into creating a sauce that stops bewilders me. So plus one for the sauce and plus one for the science of the sauce.

Not enough cheese, but then again, there really never is. Zero

Too much tortilla, for real, they rolled the steak up like five times. Minus one.

The commercial for this item is one of the most annoying commercials of all time in which three lame dudes are out for "steak night" which I'm guessing is in between poker night and bowling night and one of them outsmarts the other guys who are being emasculated by the small portion of steak on their plate by showing them he is a triple steak kinda guy (big no homo (no homo?)) and then shows him his burrito to prove it and one of his very emasculated friends cries to the other claiming that inside, we all are triple steak kind of guys. Minus twenty-five. Minus an additional ten for showing it throughout the entire World Series.

So, not counting the points from the commercial the triple steak burrito earns negative one point. Not worth getting and certainly not worth getting in favor of the standard seven layer.

Final Review:
Triple Steak Burrito: More Like A Single Shit Burrito

Ween - "Where'd the Motherfuckin' Cheese Go At?" So worth downloading.

Flying Burrito Brothers - Hot Burrtio #1 Worth it, but not nearly as much as Ween.


Blogger the secret attari society said...

i really miss and love you adam loeb.

11/2/08, 5:10 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

McGriddle bitch. All you need to say.

11/3/08, 8:06 PM  
Blogger Jonah Mueller said...

minus 4 for using my point system.

11/5/08, 7:17 PM  
Blogger spenny said...

"Steak only comes from one type of animal, the steak."

That was so funny I'm just gonna take credit for it right now like I made it up.

Where do you get off stealing my steak joke asshole?

11/16/08, 4:26 PM  
Blogger bill said...

After the new heat taco bell is recieving as to whether or not their beef is all beef, I remembered a commercial about steak enthusiast magazine. I mean I was hoping for a subcription to this because who doesnt need their beef news with their coffee just before work in the morn. Upon my search I find this site. Hats off to the person who wrote this article. Well done sir! I give you 100 points for your wise and intellectual points of view. I must give you a smiley face and a happy doggy sticker for your taste in music. Ween effin rocks and the flying burrito bros, nice taste! May I suggest the Flaming Lips and Tom Waits? Rock on and stay thirsty my friends. Bill from ashland ky.

1/26/11, 3:21 PM  

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