McDonald's Story

In the last month, McDonald's either came out with or stepped their advertising up for the double fillet-o-fish. And motherfuckers have been going ham. A few weeks ago, a man in New Jersey climbed through the to-go window, slapped the shit out of the dude behind the counter and walked out with his sandwich. In the words of a better blogger than me, "this case should be immediately dismissed, on the grounds that he was actually able to grab his sandwich and walk out with it."

Only two weeks later, in Brooklyn, a similar incident occurred. This time, the man was not lucky enough to escape with his sandwich. I too have a fillet-o-fish inspired tale to tell:


Saturday night, the same night a man in Bushwick was arrested for climbing into a McDonald's to steal his fillet-o-fish, only a short world away in Bed-Stuy, Annie and I went through the drive-through around 4.30 am. After waiting a long, long time, the woman in the car behind us got out and started screaming at the drive through window calling the woman behind the counter "dyke." Not "a dyke" but just "dyke." Dyke! It's an amazing word. Even better heard in the pitch-blackness of Brooklyn at 4.45 am in line at McDonald's.

Apparently the angry lady, after being forced to wait a ridiculously long time to even place her order, finally arrived at the speaker and when finally given a chance to order her food, "dyke" told her McDonald's was closed and was no longer serving food. So after screaming for five minutes, the angry lady got back in the car, and her entourage pulled off.

I was pissed the show was over, but only two short minutes later, the car comes speeding back around and pulls up alongside the car at the to-go window. Angry lady rolls down her window and starts screaming. The taunting and threats continued.
She rolled down her window and the screaming, the taunting, the threats continued. Physical violence of the most heinous sort was guaranteed. And then angry lady screamed, "get out from behind that window, let's do this dyke. Let's do this. I WANT YOU. I WANT YOU." This I had never heard. "I want you." It was truly terrifying.

Eventually, she rolled up her window and the started to drive off when a cop car comes flying in and pulls over the wrong car leaving McDonald's. We pull forward, pay for our two items--three if two fillet-o-fish for three bucks counts as one thing or two--and are about to leave when the woman behind the counter, "dyke," asks us if we would like any fries.

And why not. At this point, after witnessing what we just saw, and now getting free fries, we thought it was our lucky day, or night, or whatever it is at 4.55 am when you are at the drive through at McDonald's.

So she reaches down, and pulls out to big ass to-go bags, just bursting apart unable to handle the load of all that is inside. And we're thinking that free fries are great, but at a certain point it’s just wasteful, this is far beyond the critical mass of free fries anyone would desire. But we thank her, pull away, and open the bag. And inside there were not fries, but every single item McDonald's has on the goddamn menu! I mean nuggets, select strips, big macs, McChickens, even a goddamn Angus burger! I tore it apart, thinking it was a magic bag, perhaps somewhere in here there was an old McRib they found laying around, or Baruch Hashem, a McDlt.

I opened the second bag to find more of the same, but also a cornucopia of dipping sauces, an item you would overlook when handing out free food, but this dyke behind the counter wasn't just generous, she was truly kind.

Realizing we had more food than anyone could or should handle, we went to a bar that stays open all night long and handed out the food. What this guy at the corner of the bar did to the Angus Burger, holy shit, in the words of my mother, "I wouldn't do to a dog."