Thursday, March 13, 2008

Long Over Due Post #1: Fuck the Giants (gaywatch New York)


Since I started gay watch, I've tried very hard to expose gays and the gayness that lurks in our midst. I have focused my efforts on Dallas and Seattle, dutifully exposing the extreme level of homosexuality just bubbling beneath the surface in those cities. But now it's time to take on the biggest challenge yet, New York. Yes, New York, the city and the whole goddamn state, who was to know that the self described "center of the world" just might be the single gayest place in the history of the entire world. Here are a few facts: 1. Eli Manning will wear a glove on his left hand. While this isn't nearly half as gay as Seattle kicker josh brown's heated pants, it will most certainly lead to similar results. 2. The new york giants, their full name is in fact "The New York Football Giants." This is very telling, as it not only is the single gayest name in the history of professional sports, but it also points to what assholes the gays that love the team are. Get one of them talking, and in no time you will here how every single thing is better in new york. Oh that bottle of water you are drinking, it tastes better in New York. The piece of yarn that just blew by in the wind, in new york, the yarn would be more beautiful. Why is everything better there? Because they bless it with gayness. 3. The second gayest name in the history of professional sports? The Knicks, full name, "The New York Knickerbockers." Wow. So basically, if you ever go to see a knick game and someone asks you where you are going, you have to say, "I'm going to see the Bucks play the Knicks, no homo." Because it's that bad. 4. In Wisconsin, a man can make a right turn at a red light. 5. We all know that the giants play in New Jersey, but did you know that in 1987, right before the Giants won the Superbowl, Ed Koch, then Mayor of new york declared the team to be "foreigners" that would not be entitled to a ticker-tape parade in New York City. (which actually is the only argument against writing off the whole entire region as a bastion of homosexuality.) 6. In Wisconsin, a man can smoke in a bar. This is not allowed in New York because the smoke gets inside their vaginas and irritates them. I know a lot of Giants fans. One of them broke a glass next to his bed because he woke up in the middle of the night and had to go to the bathroom but got scared, and another one never got out of bed for an entire year. If anyone going to the game reads this before they leave, be vigilante if you see these fucks. These people have flown into "fly-over country" and will be quite confused. They are expecting to see nothing but farmers and cows and a possible factory every now and again. So if they open up their mouths and start talking about how they are in the middle of nowhere or drink a beer and claim it's "just not as hoppy as our beer back in the city" or generally look down upon us, well, then hit them in the fucking face give them a nice taste of our Midwest hospitality. Don't let them speak loudly and act like the own the place.

Real New Yorkers:

A real man from Wisconsin:


Blogger the secret attari society said...

holy shit.

3/21/08, 10:34 AM  

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